Firstly, I understand that I should not consider any answer to this a diagnosis, however, I do not have health insurance and would otherwise see a psychiatrist directly. I have studied both AS and SPD in depth.
This past November I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, PTSD, and Panic with Agoraphobia. In my adolescence I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (I was suicidally depressed since the age of 12, and at fifteen I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a week because of attempted suicide), GAD, and Depersonalization Disorder (severe: I have it all of the time–not a hyperbole), all of which developed at 12-years-old.
I had a somewhat emotionally traumatic childhood due to an alcoholic father and several drug-addicted, diagnostically–committed, even!–insane stepmothers/father’s long term girlfriends since I was 7-years-old, and constant bullying throughout my childhood. I don’t like to say my childhood was “bad” because I could not have asked for a better mother whom had full custody of myself and my brother (my parents divorced officially when I was six).
To get to the point of the matter, I don’t remember much before the age of nine or so, so I don’t know exactly how I acted as a young child in social or other situations. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with AS in one session, which always seemed peculiar to me, even though I went because my brother was diagnosed with it only a few months before (this isn’t to brag, but just to give reason as to why we made it until the ages of 21 and 24 without being diagnosed with HFA is because we have both been considered “brilliant” and likely intellectualized our way through emotional and social situations without actually going through the true experience of them) so I felt Asperger’s was a reasonable explanation for my absolute social ineptness, obsessive thoughts, involuntary rudeness, hatred of eye-contact and physical contact with humans, and other symptoms that coincide with AS.
A few months later I stumbled upon the diagnostic criteria of Schizotypal PD, at which point I realized how much better it fit me than Asperger’s (in fact, if I am reading it correctly, I match every one of the criteria on Wikipedia). I studied it for a couple of months before I could find a “free” therapist whom I discussed this scuffle with, and she told me that I did show symptoms of mild psychosis, such visual and auditory illusions/acute hallucinations and olfactory hallucinations and sensitivity to sounds, not to mention jumbled spoken language and neologisms when nervous (such as all of the time). Uncontrollable thoughts, apathy, indifference, social isolation, inability to express emotion, forgetting what I am saying in the middle of a sentence, hostile, occasional lack of understanding language, etc. I am also extremely paranoid, for instance, this past spring at college I had my own apartment and I was friendly with my neighbor (whom I really only forced myself to hang out with because I knew I needed to socialize, not because I wanted to) and I became convinced that he had installed security cameras and it was all because of me. I spent three weeks looking for where the security cameras were hidden.
Because of my paranoia and anxiety of social situations, I only have one close friend and only two my family members I am close with. I trust no one. I am currently unemployed and sometimes when I get cabin fever I think about going for a walk around the block, but I always decide against it because I am afraid of seeing other people walking around the streets, and it makes me really anxious to think of interacting with them or I am convinced they are judging me or thinking of bad things to do to me. I have dozens of phobias–like ladders and bridges! I’ve been known to have panic-induced dissociative trance episodes where I begin to hallucinate terrible things, and then bang my head against a wall until someone stops me or I fall asleep. I also have a lot of odd beliefs I am usually not willing to share with people out of fear they will pin me as crazy. I knock on wood all of the time because I know that if don’t, someone will die or something else bad will happen (it’s happened three times, each time I thought something bad and didn’t knock on wood).
I’ve been pinned as weird or crazy all of my life by other people. I went to college and majored in art, and although almost everyone in art school was eccentric as me, I still never fit in and made few friends. Sometimes I am afraid that people can read my thoughts. However, all of these symptoms have been with me ever since I can remember. I can’t figure out if it’s AS, early-onset SPD, or if I am just a sane, neurotypical person with some issues. I graduated from college with a 3.0, and I’m able to hold down a decent job. There is a history of AS in my family, but not Schizophrenia. And just like another inquirer on a similar subject, I am also afraid that someone will end up seeing this and figuring out who it is, but intellectually, I know that is extremely unlikely and irrational.
The thought of me being sane is more terrifying than the possibility of being insane or autistic. Any thoughts? Thanks.
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Tuesday, September 7, 2010
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